How is it possible for life to be so beautiful and suck so much at the same time? I just had the best night of my life in about the last 5 years. But the one that I was with is already someone else's. And I love her, and him, too much to do anything that would screw that up. Classic Romeo and Juliet syndrome, but fortunately (unfortunately?) I'm a lot smarter than either of those two tragic youths to throw away so much of my life on a brief moment of exquisite joy and pain that would be involved.
This might be part of the problem that I have in forming lasting relationships. I'm already in love with someone, and I know that the feeling is mutual. This might just be a problem of the fantasy always being better than the reality, but we've never had a reality beyond just being friends, so who's to say. Granted, we've had our problems in the past, and would definitely have them in the future, but at the same time, we agree on so many things, but have the benefit of differences that the other finds interesting. In order to acheive the same depth of feeling for someone else, I'll have to have known them for as long as I've known her. More than half my life at this point. Troublesome to say the least.
Since I recently had a birthday, I've been reflecting a lot on the last year, and my position in life in general, so this might also be some kind of natural extendion of that. I've definitely had an interesting year. Losing a job that I was expecting to be a career, and finding a new one. Asking lots of questions about where I am, and for the first time really deciding that I may not be on a path that I really want to continue down. Love, life, religion, status, the eternal questions that may never have answers. I think I've got a fairly good plan for moving forward, now I just have to stick to my guns and follow through, as opposed to just going where the current takes me. It's both exciting and frightening at the same time. Tonight is just helping point out to me that I need to CHANGE! and drastically before the option to make any significant change is passed.
I may not have been posting much as of late, but if I've got something to say, then I'll be here writing about it most likely. Enjoy the ride.